Dahmer Needs To Cut His Grass!

Dahmer Needs To Cut His Grass!

Anyone that knows me very well, and has visited my house has probably heard me talk about the serial killer that lives next door to me. My neighbor's behavior has puzzled me since we first moved into the neighborhood. Granted this is coming from a guy that thought a vampire lived eight houses down from his Aunt and Uncle in high school... and I was seventeen when I believed this... With that said, here are all of the tell-tale signs that I am in fact living next to the future Ramirez / Dahmer / Gacy.

1. Single White Male. Lives alone. Age, 45-58

2. He is a quiet man that keeps to himself. He never has any company (of the living kind).

3. He has never spoken to us. He doesn't wave to or associate with anyone in the neighborhood.

4. On the rare chance that I see him leave his house, he is always carrying a small tackle box. Great for butcher knives, surgical equipment, Chloroform, Quaaludes.

5. If I go outside and smoke, I'll see him peeping through his window staring at me. This is extremely unnerving.

6. His house is always pitch dark, except for late night activity in the basement.

7. One afternoon I saw him carrying a big bucket of liquid into the woods. He then looked around to make sure no one was watching and poured it out. (probably liquefied human remains)

8. I've heard him digging in his backyard at night.

9. On some days I'll catch a weird stench coming from his house.

10. He's just fuckin' creepy. He looks like a redneck version of Max Schreck from Nosferatu. He doesn't look like the kind that would eat your liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti. He would eat your kidneys with Bush's Baked Beans and a six pack of Miller Lite.

So there you have it. When other evidence comes to light I will be sure and keep you guys updated. I'm not that worried. Serial killers usually don't shit where they eat. So, I'm probably the safest person right now. When I hear "Goodbye Horses" blaring from his house then I'll start to worry. I definitely don't want to get the hose, again. I've got to cut this short. I hear someone downstairs.